i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
