Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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