OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
