What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
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He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
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Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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