i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
