Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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