dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
