is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
