Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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