Sorry, I don't speak sober.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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