I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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