I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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