My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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