Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
