and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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