i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
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The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
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Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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