Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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