im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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