I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
