He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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