Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
