So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
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I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
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I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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