I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He has the fingertips of a God
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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