i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
