you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
