I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
