I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
