My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize