if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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