So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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