The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
