I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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