My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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