my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
