My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
