im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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