and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
