you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
