just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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