and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
