anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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