my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
