Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My penis needs a shock collar
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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