I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
