Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
