He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
