marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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