Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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