last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
