there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
