I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
