My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
