There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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