Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
