my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
