I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
