everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
