Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
