my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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