You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
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please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
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Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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